Sunday, December 25, 2011

Ghosts in Fog



Driving, lost in the predawn fog. I pass something, a white shape made of fog, a pale woman, her feet not touching the ground. I shiver violently and roll up the window.

I pass an old barn. There is a pale light inside and I think I see steam drifting from the open loft, but it is another fog woman, ghost woman. She leans forward like the figurehead on the prow of a ship, moving blindly forward as I drive past. I drive faster.

I see more of them, one every few feet along either side of the road, like fence posts. My hands are shaking. I don't think these things are angels. I try not to look directly at them because their faces are not right: they are ill-formed and hungry.

They press in closer. Their misty gowns and bodies are taking on a more solid form. One holds a knife. Is she threatening me or threatening suicide?

Then there is one standing in the middle of the road, hands held out, pleading for me to stop. I keep driving, and she blows apart into a smoky swirl, but there is also a soft thud, as if the car passed through a wall of cotton.

Four more stand a few feet further down the road. When I hit them they are less yielding. The ones along the sides of the road lean forward and touch the car, brushing it with disintegrating fingers. I am slowing. I push the accelerator to the floor, but I am still slowing.

I am nearly stopped. Faces press against the windshield. They are weeping, enraged. Now one of them is inside. She reaches to touch my face. I pull away before her fingers can brush my cheek, but there is nowhere to go. She leans closer. Now there are more of them. Inside.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

AND NOW, THE VERY LATEST CONSPIRACY THEORIES--PART II


Euro-zone debt crisis resolved by Satan in a Santa Clause suit or Santa in a Satan suit. Authorities will not be able to establish identity until DNA tests come back from the cleaners.

Sheeple establish base on Moon. May soon settle other planets, leaving the rest of us behind.

Scientists find strange orb near sun. Conspiracy theorists are suspicious, think scientists are just yanking their chains. Head of NASA says, "No, it really is a space ship! Pull my finger!"

Kim Jong Il still dead, probably replaced by son who looks like a confused baby watching a dog fight. Rumored to sleep in Star Wars pajamas, son is actually a military genius who will soon conquer Japan using hand grenades thrown by catapult.

Pope to visit Nebraska, meet with Illuminati there to discuss launch of papal missiles from underground bunkers. Cats and dogs are scared, move in together.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Asphyxiated mongrels. We are locked in a room. Try random numbers on the door lock until Kim Jong Il opens the door and informs us he is dead and wants us to be in a Godzilla movie, but only if we remove our pallets properly, keeping track always of every missing can of soup. I try to explain that we are only human and am informed that I am a childish prick because I have never had children.

I just wanted to buck the trend, but it is no use in explaining anything to these people. They told me that if I struck this pose I would be in a Broadway musical or something.

Christmas is the most fascist holiday. I am told I am to punished today, but it turns out they don't have time, so they put it off until after the Nuclear Olympics. Kim Jong sits on the sidelines in a cast while the players try to take the field, but the marching band refuses to bifurcate.

If I don't get my blood pressure down and stop drinking, children in a small Asian Country the maps don't notice will die of N'Ga Ching DoH. If you cut back on caffeine and salt, you slow down and the world speeds up. The flag snapping in the wind looks like it is having a major anxiety attack, but you are tranquil, watching the blurring buzz of it all, not understanding and not caring or cringing.