Monday, May 30, 2011

Confessions of a Geek Wannabe



I gave up on Assembler, so I tried to learn C.

I gave up on learning C, so I tried to learn Turbo Pascal. I gave up on Turbo Pascal, so I tried to learn C++. Then I gave up on C++ and tried to learn Visual Basic, then Python, then Ruby, then . . .

And, uh, I forget what was next, but then I decided what I really wanted to do was make games, so I tried to learn Game Maker, and then RPG maker, then Adventure Game Studio, then Inform7, then Choicescript . . . I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but one of these days I'm going to be awesome! The mad seventies scientists say so!

Doesn't that guy have too many fingers on his hand? I keep counting and it comes out right, but still . . .

Saturday, May 28, 2011

AND NOW, THE VERY LATEST CONSPIRACY THEORIES!



Solar flare bomb squad blacklisted, 2012 orgy may be delaid [sic] until 3012!

The Sun has moved! Wer'e [sic] not sure where, but it's not where it used to be, and there are UFO's or something on it!

Pepsi fetal tissue found at Fukushima! Not raptured yet, probably will be in October, though. Check the webcam first for weather advisory.

Muslims cause trouble, probably sponsored by Obama birth cirtificate [sic] verified by very high authority--certain to be certain because this guy yells a lot about it on Radio!

Rothchilds and Jehovah Witnesses in conflagration with Mormon Tabernacle Choir! Never seen before dog sermon about gods or god sermon about dogs, not sure which. Web Bot translation to follow.

Internet crashed by RED COCKROACH BRIGADE, a secret Chemtrail organization run by sheeple! Yes SHEEPLE!

SHEEPLE in on it all along, transmitting secret messages to one another via CHEMTRAILS and AMERICAN IDOL! THEY PRETENDED NOT TO CARE ABOUT CONSPIRICY [sic] THEORIES BECAUSE THEY WERE IN ON IT ALL ALONG! THEIR PLANS ARE TO EAT "LONG PORK" PIZZAS IN SECRET UNDERGROUND SHELTERS!

Kittehs [sic] tired of LOLCATS, move in with Dogs. O!M!G! Cats and dogs! Living Together! Mass hysteria! EXCLAMATION POINTS AND CAPS OUTTA CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Do Not Cheapen It

Stop trying to cheapen it . . .

They do not know. Close your eyes and tap into it. It is inside you. It has happened many times before, and you have been there many times before. You know this. Deep inside your deepest heart you know this, yet you know it is also evolving toward something completely new, something you long for.

Or maybe it is New Age B.S.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Book of Jack



Okay, I'm not going to talk about Harold Camping anymore except to say that I am even more baffled by the people laughing at him than by the people believing his "prophesies."

You people out there laughing at Harold really think you got it all figured out? "Look at that stupid Harold Camping guy: he hasn't read his Bible properly. I'm so much better than him because I'm a Jehovah's Witness, Pentecostal, Catholic, Lutheran, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Church of Scientologist, Flying Spaghetti Monsterian, Pagan, Panygyrastic, or whatever."

You feel so superior to this Harold Camping guy, because you know the REAL TRUTH because you have understood the PROOF that is in GOD'S WORD. (Ever notice how popular caps lock is among those who want to engage in brainwashing the faithful?)

The fact of the matter is none of us know Jack. The same is true if you are an atheist, an agnostic, or a devout Presbyterian. You DO NOT KNOW JACK about what is going on in the universe.

And now I will begin the book of Jack, Chapter One, Verse One:

In the beginning, Nobody knew exactly what happened . . . but here we all are, and we'll have to just make the best of it . . .

Go ahead and finish my Holy Book Of Revelation if you want. It can't be any worse than the crap people have been coming up with for thousands of years.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Perry Rhodan thunderstorms

It was hard to be a science fiction obsessed nerd in the pre-Starwars days. All we had was Star Trek and pulp fiction. It was hard times, kids, hard times! We even had to glean what the russkies could give us.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Stage Four Apocalypse

Okay, it's Saturday already . . . have they dispersed?

Not quite yet . . . We have four stages here. There's the date setting (stage 1). Increasing hysteria surrounding this particular date (stage 2). Mounting data that the date has failed(stage3), followed by apocalypse called on account of rain, but it is still coming, you betcha(stage4).

It's all kind of like the stages of cancer, dontcha think?

About ten hours from now, if not sooner, damage control will kick in (stage 3). The script is at least two thousand years old. God granted us sinners just a tiny bit of mercy, because yea, according to the book of the Strange Neighborhood, chapter 56, verse 2, we will continually reset the date later and later until the last gullible person is left upon the earth, amen (stage4).

Big hint: if you hear one word breathed over the next couple days about "God's mercy" it is almost certainly a stage four apocalyptic prophesy, and anybody who buys into it is a complete idiot. Anybody who tells you that God has further delayed the date because he is merciful is either an idiot or is deliberately trying to manipulate your reality.

See you Monday, and believe you me, I'm not any happier to see mundane reality continuing to bear down upon us day after day any more than you.

Reality is something we all will have to deal with whether we like it or not. And it can be strange, but we all pretty much know exactly what we are seeing when we see it.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Okay, Harold

Okay, Harold. No more camping. Ready for the final countdown. I got my pocket calculator in the palm of my hand. I multiplied all those tens, seventeens, and fives. I still don't know what in the holy shit you are talking about. But you could not possibly be delusional, could you? No, of course not. I'm ready. I'm ready. Just one more day, and I'm rapture ready.

That was Pacific spandex time, right? The prophet Daniel or something says so. Must be one of them California prophets or someplace . . .

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Harold Camping Out In My Yard


Is Harold Camping in my yard again? Perhaps he is trying to build a moat. I told him he could not stop the flood of the mighty Mississippi, but he only insisted that if you multiply 5 times ten times 17 times hippopotamus, the truth would be revealed. I guess we'll all see come Saturday, or Sunday if you don't believe in Pacific Standard Time. Strike your tents Harold, camping season is over.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Purpose of these Postings

After many days of wandering on the beach . . . I honestly can no longer tell you whether we are talking about the "left" coast, "right" coast or "ambidextrous" coast . . . I found a mayonnaise jar. It was a big one, empty. I unscrewed the lid. Stink of decay. I did not let that put me off. I opened it up and screamed, and screamed and screamed, and screamed . . . Then I put the lid back on and threw it far out into the ocean . . .

So if you find this particular mayonnaise jar, rest assured, you know exactly what all the screaming is about. R.I.P., my beautiful children.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Colonoscopy


Should you have a colonoscopy? Yes, probably, since it appears that you are already well positioned for the poop scope, and are well beyond the age of 50, at which point most intestinal submariners (A.K.A. gastroenterologists) develop a keen interest in probing your guts with a blunt instrument. But hey, it's your choice. If you were born before 1920 and are currently less than sixty years old, chances are you are a character in a fifties or sixties era B-movie, and you can smoke and drink to your heart's content until you suddenly drop dead.

I am not AT ALL considering this to be a disadvantage. I love Ad Men. Cheers!

Monday, May 16, 2011

The Smell of Decay


The room filled with the smell of decay. There was nothing he could do about that now. He should have never kept the meat so long. Too late now to plant fresh meat for spring crops. It was rotten and he had to live with it now. That is how it comes to us all. Rotting meat and no fresh vegetables.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Public Coma Cancelled

Now that the doctors have changed their minds and decided I will live after all, I am at a loss. All my plans centered around slipping into a public coma six months from now. Now I have to think of what to do with myself for ten, twenty, possibly more years.

I could have a heart attack tomorrow, though, so there is always hope.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Blogger Offlined with a Portal Vein Thrombosis

I was disoriented for a bit, but it is all copacetic now, so have a sip . . .


It's okay now man, just like Tom Waits screaming into a garbage can!


Thank you Tom Waits. You gargle bourbon-soaked gravel and razor blades and scream into our garbage lands and trash buckets better than anyone ever! I love you like I love the telegraph pole melting over my left shoulder.